Author: Sam Weller

Welcome back dear readers – your friendly bard, visionary and patriarch here again.

Well, you know there’s a saying in England that it’s “raining cats and dogs”?  I’ve never understood it but literally this month it has rained kittens!  Well, one kitten – Claude and I looked round one morning and a tiny stranger was in our midst.  And eating our food.  Naturally this cannot be allowed so we went over to see it off and found out it was a very feisty tri-colour girl.  Of course we are gentlemen first and foremost, so we let the kitten have some more food and then she was up the fence, though the most TINY gap in the roof – and away!  Well, we just looked at each other.  Claude suggested we might climb the fence and inspect the escape route but then we looked at the size of ourselves and realised that no gap would be big enough (the disadvantages of our physiques being rubenesque).  We alerted the Authorities to the situation of course.

Welcome back dear readers, apologies for my column’s delay but I am happy to let you all know that my life is currently pretty marvellous in the smaller of the garden pens despite earlier misgivings and hence my grumpy introspection has decreased a notch as a result – Claude and I have bonded over our shared love of catnip – he had never had it before but now is equally obsessed with the stuff, it’s magic!  I have requested we have it every day but am yet to hear back from the authorities.  I might have to proposition Bomber Command on the subject.

Welcome back dear readers.  I gather my fame is spreading – Sam says I’ll soon be signing auto-pawgraphs.  But then she laughed so I think she’s joking – she is so rude to me at times, I must speak to Bomber Command about sacking her.

Here is my interview with Tilly …

Welcome back dear readers.  Things are hotting up at Cat HQ, possibly to do with the weather, but we have a great sun sail now erected to protect us from heat stroke – and to stop the staff sweating, it really is a most unattractive look for them.  Cats can handle the heat so much better – but, as I am fond of saying, we are the superior species.

Conan’s thoughts on castles, underfloor heating, kittens and his sponsor

Welcome back dear readers.  Here’s my interview with Sam.

Kittens continue to arrive thick and fast so please let Bomber Command (aka Chris Thorpe) know if you can help us out with adopting or fostering.  Honestly they make so much NOISE if they are near me.

Welcome back dear readers.  It’s been such a traumatic week, I cannot tell you.  Therapy might even be required.

Firstly I had the indignity of being chased out of my garden – yes I know!  Apparently it’s going to be tiled to make cleaning easier.  Therefore we had to vacate and move in with the residents in the next garden.  Several stand-offs occurred.  Still, it gave me a chance to inspect the quality of their toys, cat-walk and general facilities.  I was pleased to note that their food was the same ie, not better than ours.  I have been supervising the tiling of course. Hope it’s not too cold under my bottom? That will need to be addressed urgently if so.  One garden is already tiled and the other one is well underway.  However, I found the sofa on the first day and have decided to take that over, assert overall authority and stay in this garden – I will now be accepting sofa sharing applications.

Welcome back dear readers.  Apologies this column is slightly late, Sam has been in the UK seeing her mum (I know – who could possibly be more important than me, but apparently, she is …).  I’ve had to dictate this over the phone which is hard when you have no thumbs.  Sam says she’s sending back something for the shelter – she then laughed in, what I can only call, an evil manner.  Watch this space.

Welcome back dear readers – thank you for all the concern over my heartbreak.  I saw a photo of Silver with her new human and I had to admit she looked very happy.  Maybe she’ll write?

Welcome back dear readers … to the wonderful world of Conan (ok, and others)

Well, what a trauma this week has been!  I have gone from grumpy introspection (my default setting), passing nimbly through rage and ending up in FURY!  Why, you might ask?  Well, I will tell you.  Somebody, who shall remain nameless, advertised my gorgeous Silver on Facebook for adoption, she was immediately spotted and she’s now gone to a new home.  I am bereft and heartbroken!!  Sam has offered to bring me a cat nip stick to make me feel better – it will take much more than a poxy stick, woman!  I was thinking more along the lines of a tray of Kimba and a bumper pack of Catisfactions.  I felt so faint that I could hardly eat more than three quarters of my breakfast.